All things go according to plan.. ahh..never.

I remember being pregnant (the first time), sitting and thinking about my new baby. My birth plan, (however it was meant to happen) but always ending up with my sweet boy in my arms. What he would be like? I fantasized about what I would teach him, how we would raise him, the things we would do together, see together, explore together. You base what you think being a mother will be like on how you were raised, what your experiences have been with other children... television... articles... what you see from other mothers "Oh! I'll NEVER do THAT". Since a very young age I was always the person that kids would gravitate towards. I've always loved children and I think that kids can sense that kind of thing. I worked at Kindercare for many years as a young college student, I helped raise my two younger siblings... I always babysat other children as well... I got this in the bag! But what if...

What if... my son was so sick when he was born, they had to resessutate him at the bedside? What if the doctors told my husband and I he wouldn't make it? What if, my sweet boy wouldn't be like other children? That I couldn't teach him in the way other children learn, that I couldn't raise him in the way I imagined, that I couldn't mother in the way that I thought I wanted to? What if we couldn't just throw on our sneakers and enter a strange new place and casually learn, explore and talk about it. Why would I have thought about these things, right? Who wants to think of those possibilities or even worse scenerios when you're about to have your first child? You could drive yourself insanely crazy with the what ifs in life. I think even experiencing the things that we have so far as parents, I would still have fantasized and never even let those what ifs creep into my mind, it's like if you think about it, it might actually happen? But those what ifs DID happen to us. It has been the scariest and hardest journey! Even with the "perfect" birth, or a "neurotypical" child, its STILL the scariest and hardest journey!

When I thought that I had it in the bag before.. that was the biggest misnomer of everything I just described. No parent has it all together. I don't care what they say, or what they post on Facebook. What I do know that I have is what my dear friends labeled as my Momma Bear Instincts. No matter what has been thrown at me; between his traumatic birth, navigating the world through his eyes and learning ways to help him, I never silence my Momma Bear Instinct. My children truly are a piece of my heart, just walking around on the outside of my body. There is nothing I wouldn't do, no hurdle I wouldn't jump, no lengths that I wouldn't go to do whatever I can for my kids.

But... sometimes, I have no freakin clue what I'm doing! Sometimes I feel lost in the inertia of the day to day struggles, and trying to juggle everything. Sometimes I scream and cry about it (and then feel guilty I did it). Ah, the GUILT.

I'm constantly trying take every professionals advice; sift thru it, make sense of it all, then implement, implement, implement. Let's not forget the Momma Bear with her own ideas and feelings about what is best for her child, just throw that in the mix as well. It's exhausting. Then one day, my son came home from school, and he was singing a song! From what a gathered of the singing, we started talking about it! Yes, sharing a story with me! I even found a video of the song and we basked together in those ten minutes that we both got to share this awesome experience together. I know, it doesn't seem like much coming from an almost four year old, some two year olds do this already! But Leo didn't even start talking until he was three! So this was a big thing in the Capriotti household! It's in those moments that I know; I may not know everything, but I must be doing something right!

Nothing in life goes as planned. That's the moral of my story. As God awful as Leo's birth was, we appreciate life SO much more and it could have been SO much worse. People often say, "I don't know how you made it through that"or they wonder how I handle Leo's struggles now. Sometimes, I don't really now how I did/do either? All I know is I just kept going because Leo kept going, I had to just keep going. I have to just keep going now, that is what happens when you choose to be a parent. Not that every parent doesn't cherish their child but, it's like you don't realize how much you loved someone until their gone, well he almost was... we know how precious life truly is.

Thru this blog I will capture some of our journey. The good, the bad and everything in between. Not only am I hoping to touch some families that have similar battles, but I really feel like telling our story will be healing and cathartic for me as well.

Thanks for reading!

Comment below about your realization that things just never go as planned.